The Diet of Worms with Martin Luther
Something has been really bothering me. Not Johann Eck questioning me all day. Not being dragged in front of the estates of the Roman Empire by force. Not my ball breaking ex nun of a wife. Not even that any old beggar is allowed to murder me on the street without consequence. What is bothering me is that I’ve been having these dreams where I’m a singer.
At first I thought that Satan had entered the sheepfold (yet again) but now I think this may be the path I am meant to take. I’ve got some lyrics and a tune, ‘Give me the reason to want you back. Why should I love you again?’ I think it’s pretty catchy.
They have laid out the scriptures on the table. To be honest I can’t be arsed. Johann Eck is looking smug, no doubt he will be asking me renounce or reaffirm my views (again, yawn). Yesterday his wife flashed her left boob at me, and waggled it about. I guess she’s one of those women that goes for beggars and criminals. I just keep saying the same thing, ‘I am bound by the scriptures and all that is in them.’ They start mumbling to each other and writing things down.
If I became a singer I could get some new clothes. There would be groupies, Eck’s wife would be on the front row. I have looked through the scriptures but they aren’t giving me any answer. Every night I hear my song ‘Give me the reason to want you back’ as if being sung by angels. I keep telling myself that faith is justification for all but it doesn’t help, my athlete's foot has come back with the stress.
I have been thinking of making a run for it. My wife Katerina says I should change my name and disappear. If I could just keep my trap shut for five minutes. I’ve not told her about my singing ambitions yet, she'll be furious. I’ve always hated my name so changing it won’t bother me. You won’t believe the number of beggars called Martin, it’s dead common, but I like Luther, I want to keep it. I’ve got a name I’d like to use, ‘Luther Vandross’. Katerina says it is a stupid name but I quite like it. Luther Vandross, it’s got a good ring to it. If I grow a moustache these clueless bastards will never recognise me.
Yesterday they let me stand outside. I picked up the dirt in my hands. I thought about the soul, and the frailty of the human body. I let the soil slip through my fingers. That song popped into my head again and you know what I did? I picked up worms, hands full of them and I ate them. Just like I used to at school when I was little. Sometimes when you're sick of heretics there’s nothing like eating worms to cheer you up.
You know what, I have decided. I am definitely going to change my name to Luther Vandross, and make a run for it. I have written the song down and I am wondering if Eck's wife might come with me. It’s mad I know, her boobs are shit but I reckon I might just go for it. I bet she’s eaten a few worms in her time. Just you wait, no more sermons, no more arguing about predestination, just Luther Vandross, the singer with my new life, fantastic.
