The Book of Concord
It is OK to fantasise about being a tortoise wearing Ray-Bans.
Smelling yourself is the same deal as yawning if people see you doing it.
If a woman with one crutch gets onto the train with you, it’s fine to give her a minute or two to hit people on the legs with it before you offer her your seat.
It is OK to be an assassin but it’s a pretty interesting career choice.
Affecting a facial tic probably won’t make people think you are truer of spirit.
When drinks go flat it’s OK to think that humans are pretty easily impressed.
Hurry up and make a decision on your number one favourite vegetable.
Always find out how a person reacts to having their new shoes stepped before you go to bed with them.
It is OK if you want to stare at the crotch of someone you find unattractive because why not, it's the 90s!
Hurry up and figure out a way to hug someone properly while lying on the floor.
It is OK to imagine that somehow the human race has survived another ~12bn years and now the universe is shrinking.
Imagine that.
Yikes.
The crowning professional achievement of a teenage vandal is probably throwing a lampchop through a skylight.
It is OK if you dream of a racehorse that has drowned in a Jacuzzi.
It is OK if you don’t want to eat that scorpion for whatever reason.
Figure out what is the furthest you’ve ever rolled down a hill.
Go out in the next 6 months to try and beat that record because why not, it's 1995!
You can wear a scarf for as long as you want, it doesn’t bother me.
Hurry up and figure out what hairstyles will be like in the future and place a thousand dollar bet (there will probably be a lot of hair extension).
It was probably an overreaction when you punched that piglet hard in the face.
Wait, what is that ninja doing in a bakery?
