Otherwise Known as Guido Johnson
When Nigel Gooch, the wicketkeeper for the Blubberhouses Cricket Club (first team), gets bored, he tends to eat or drink too much. He feels sad. He dwells on his failures and the disappointment that he has caused his father over the years. To avoid these self-destructive behaviours, Nigel often consults the "Fun Things to do When Bored List," which can be found at http://web4health.info/en/aux/do-instead.htm. He began with "Borrow books in a library" (his favourite was "Gooch," his father Graham's autobiography) and has worked his way up to "Go out in the countryside and botanize."
While botanizing in the countryside, Nigel makes a gruesome discovery. Alongside the River Washburn, hand in hand with Anne, his fat wife, slightly upstream from the cricket ground upon which his childhood dreams have stagnated, Nigel comes upon a pair of atrophied and long since pickled testicles. They are firmly sealed in a Victorian cranberry pickle castor that Nigel has plucked from the muddy riverbed.
"I'm pregnant," says Anne, oblivious to the curious treasure that is now being examined by Nigel.
Several days later, in the confines of cricketing legend Graham Gooch's (Goochy's) private library in central London, there is a gathering that includes Nigel, Anne, Goochy, and Linda Colley, FBA, FRSL, CBE, the famous historian. Goochy is needling Nigel about his inability to grow a full and hearty moustache.
"Been licking the Marmite jar again?" Goochy digs.
"I've only been growing it a couple of weeks," argues Nigel. "We can't all be instantly good at everything we do."
"Well, if there's one thing you've proven over the years, lad, it's that for you, nothing is possible."
Goochy chuckles.
On the plush leather fainting couch, Linda and Anne chat.
"Do you know what gender it is?" Linda asks.
"Boy," answers Anne. "We're going to name him Graham."
Nigel interjects. "So what have we got?"
"It's Guy Fawkes," says Linda. "In January of 1606, having been arrested for his part in the Gunpowder Plot, Fawkes was sentenced to death. Prior to being hung, his genitals were to be removed in front of a mob of spectators, along with his heart, liver, and bowels. But before the scalpel was drawn, Fawkes leapt from the gallows, broke his neck, and died."
"So how did his balls end up in a pickle jar in the mud by the river?" asks Nigel.
"King James was somewhat miffed at Fawkes' final 'fuck you' and he so ordered Guy's cadaver to be immediately dismembered and burnt," explains Linda. "Fawkes' torso, head, limbs, and various organs were thrown upon a faggot of sticks and set alight. But just as the crowd erupted into a wild chant of 'hip hip hoorah,' a masked man dashed into the flames, swiped the testicles, and took off by foot into the woods.'
"A testicle thief?" asks Nigel.
"It was Guy's stepfather, Dionis Baynbrigge," says Linda. "Dionis was so moved by his son's courageous attempt to blow up parliament in the name of faith, and by his strength of character throughout his subsequent torture, that he wanted something to remember Fawkes' bravery by," says Linda.
"Good old dad," says Goochy.
"Dionis removed the balls from their sack and had them pickled," continues Linda. "He placed them upon his mantle next to a sketch of a tuberous bushcricket and a plaque that read 'We've got the biggest balls of all.' The testicles were passed down through a few generations, however during the 1800s they were gambled away and have, until now, been completely out of the public eye."
"Amazing," exclaims Nigel. "They do seem rather big, too."
"Depends who you are comparing them too," laughs Goochy. "How much they worth?"
"They'd probably go for close to a million pounds at auction," says Linda. "I'd be happy to manage the sale if you'd like."
"No thanks," says Nigel. "I'm going to keep them."
Linda now fiddles with her phone and within seconds two burly men burst through the door.
"We've come for your balls," one of the men says.
"Do you know who I am?" screams Goochy. "You can't just come crashing into my house making demands like this."
"Maybe you can autograph my fist," says the second burly man who proceeds to punch Goochy in the face.
Blood streams out of Goochy's nose, through his great wall of a moustache, and into his mouth. "Take them," Goochy says. "They're right over there."
But Nigel isn't having any of it. He unscrews the pickle jar, removes the testicles, and squeezes them in his hands. "You guys are pathetic," he says. "This whole macho man routine is boring. You want my balls? Why don't you just ask for them?"
"Give me the fucken balls," says one of the burly men, lunging forward.
"I was going to work my way up to this one," Nigel says. "But now seems like an appropriate time to 'Take on a difficult task.'"
"Give us the fucken balls," says the other burly man, also coming at Nigel.
Nigel ducks a punch and falls to the ground. He quickly tunnels between the legs of burly man number one and makes his way over to his father. "Open up, dad," says Nigel as he forces his father's jaw open with his free hand.
Goochy, stunned by the situation, goes limp. Nigel now manages to stuff both testicles into Goochy's mouth and then proceeds to force them down his father's gullet.
The burly men look to Linda.
"Just go," she says.
Goochy gives his son a bewildered look.
"Thought you might want a souvenir of my bravery," says Nigel. Then to Anna, "come on, let's go. And by the way, I just thought of a better name for baby boy."
Seven months later, little Guido Johnson Gooch is born. He is a healthy boy with rather large hands and slightly oversized genitalia. Graham "Goochy" Gooch is present at the birth.
"Gonna be a wicketkeeper like his old man," says Goochy with a smile.
Nigel smiles, too. And then he consults his newly renamed "Fun Things to Do When You're Trying to Repair Your Relationship with Your Dad" list.
"Hey dad, want to take a double-decker bus and sit on the upper level with me?"
